Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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