No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
