you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
