you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Randomize
