im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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