Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
