I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
