Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
