Plan B is the new Plan A
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
