I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
