I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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