I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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