I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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