Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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