dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
