You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
