I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I have aggressive nipples.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
