I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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