I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
from now on my penis is your penis
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
