My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
