before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
