The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
