If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
