I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
