idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
