theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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