Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
