i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I looked at my own cervix.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
