dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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