She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
