So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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