i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
