she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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