Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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