Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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