I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
