You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
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