My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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