I'd wear matching sweaters with you
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
