Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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