I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
