At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
