If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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