There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
