The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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