turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I'm like, not good at living.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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