We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
