Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
