so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
