i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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