I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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