What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
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