Just fell off a train. Bad.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
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