Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
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