well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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