thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Randomize
