does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Randomize
