I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
