a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
