Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize