If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
